When Relaxation Triggers Anxiety: Try This Instead

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OK, so tell me if this sounds familiar. You’ve had a difficult day at work, maybe there have been some ongoing stressors in your life with you or a family member sick, maybe it’s simply stress from trying to organize your life and those you’re responsible for, or honestly maybe there isn’t even a specific stress in your own life but the state of the world has really been weighing on you.

Or maybe you’re dealing with GAD or MDD and have a constant state of anxiety, worry, your nervous system feels like you’re never safe and can never be safe. 

You finally decide you want to feel less stressed. Less anxious. Worry less. And what’s super famous for de-stressing? Relaxation. Meditation, deep breathing, massage, facial, spa day, sauna, you get the idea. . You sit down, close your eyes, and begin to breathe slowly. But then—nothing.

No, worse than nothing. Instead of feeling relaxed, your body becomes even more tense, your thoughts begin to race, and your heart starts pounding. You might even feel trapped in your own head, as though trying to relax has triggered an avalanche of thoughts and emotions. Thoughts like:

 “I can’t even breathe properly. How do I breathe again? Oh no, am I having a panic attack?” “Why is this so hard?” “I’ll never be able to relax.” “I’m wasting time. I should be doing [whatever it is]” “Don’t think. Don’t think. Now I’m thinking about not thinking.”

Then you spiral, leaving you feeling more anxious, more frustrated, or even more stressed than you were before. Sound familiar?

If so, you’re not alone. This is actually a phenomenon that happens often for those with anxiety, depression, and chronic stress. In other words – people with a dysregulated nervous system. So, why does this happen?

The key issue lies in something called Contrast Avoidance Theory, developed by Dr. Michelle Newman at Penn State University. The theory suggests that people with anxiety or dysregulated nervous systems have a deep aversion to emotional shifts.

SO let’s break down what this means. When you’re in an anxious state, it might feel uncomfortable, but it’s predictable. It’s known. In a way, worry and stress is “safe” for your nervous system because that is what it is familiar with. Essentially, “home” for your nervous system is a state of stress.

Those racing thoughts, tightness in your chest, knot in your stomach or solar plexus, fast heartbeat. It’s not comfortable, but it’s familiar. So when you try to relax or shift into a calmer state, your body doesn’t know how to handle it and freaks out yelling “Danger! Danger!”.

The transition from an overly busy to calm nervous system feels uncertain and unpredictable, which only increases your anxiety.

And the more you try to force relaxation, the harder it becomes.

Simply put, your body gets used to being on high alert. The idea of slowing down or relaxing feels like this huge unknown, and your nervous system reacts with even more anxiety. Instead of feeling relief, you feel like you’re pushing against something that doesn’t want to change.

And I mentioned that This experience is common in those with GAD or MDD. but Chronic stress can have the same effect. Let’s think about what chronic stress looks like:

A high-pressure job where you’re constantly on call and juggling multiple tasks, endless meetings that prevent you from doing actual work, incessant email dings.

Caregiving for a sick family member, which can be physically and emotionally draining.

A relationship with lots of conflict or instability, or feeling like you’re walking on eggshells around someone, leading to a constant state of tension.

Financial stress, where the weight of worrying about bills, debts, or money problems never lets up.

These types of situations can put your nervous system into a state of chronic stress. And just like with anxiety and depression, your body becomes used to living in that heightened state of alert. So when you try to relax or meditate, it can feel like your body doesn’t know what to do with calmness. Instead, it clings to the familiar stress, and it’s hard to break free from that pattern.

When I say relaxation exercises, I’m referring to ones like deep breathing. Some common breathing exercises are box breathing, 4-6-7 breathing, cardiac coherence, etc. Guided visualizations and meditations are also ones that typically feel impossible for people with stressed out nervous systems.

→ Why do some people respond well to relaxation techniques? Why do others feel more stressed with these same techniques?

To understand why this happens, let’s talk about what a dysregulated nervous system is. 

A balanced, regulated nervous system’s home base is a state of calm, also called the parasympathetic state. This is also called the rest and repair state, and as the name suggests, the body in this state can rest and relax. A body in this state has a nervous system that does not feel in danger, it feels safe. If a stressful event or thought happens, it’s temporary and the body returns back to that calm state once that perceived danger or stressor has passed. 

On the other hand, a dysregulated nervous system’s home base is a state of stress, also called the sympathetic state or the fight, flight, or freeze state. Again, as the name suggests, the body in this state doesn’t feel safe enough to relax. It perceives a threat to its life – whether real or not- and prepares to defend itself. These perceived threats are so frequent or permanent that the body eventually accepts or learns to expect negative situations and experiences. SO, by staying in a nervous or stressed state, the nervous system aims to avoid being vulnerable to spikes in negative emotion if or when an event happens in the future. 

Think about change for a minute. Any time change happens in your life – whether planned or unplanned – how does it feel when that change is approaching or arriving? It feels super scary right? It’s an unknown and we don’t like unknowns. Every time I move, my mind has the tendency to start creating these possible scenarios: what if I can’t find a flat ? What if I hate the city? What if I’ve forgotten so much French that no one understands me ? What if I don’t make friends? What if the plane crashes? There are so many steps and so many unknowns that it is extremely uncomfortable. 

We can think about the nervous system in this way. Any change from its home base is scary and unknown. In a dysregulated nervous system, calm becomes that scary unknown. So when calm arrives, it tries to create thoughts and a situation where it feels safe again – i.e. stress, worry, pessimism, racing thoughts, etc. 

And the longer one has been in a state of chronic stress or dysregulation, the scarier that calm state can feel and the harder it can be to return to a regulated state. 

This probably doesn’t feel fair at all if you’re the one with GAD, MDD, or chronic stress and you know you need to relax, but everything you try makes it worse or makes you feel like a failure on top of already stressing or worrying. 

So the big question and purpose of this episode is….does anything work? Am I doomed to live in dysregulation my whole life? Should I just accept defeat? No. I got you. There are some gentle techniques you can try. 

Before we go into them, I do want to say that there is no magic pill, and these exercises do take time and practice. Don’t expect to do one the first time and succeed in doing it nonstop for half an hour and be all regulated and calm forever more. Even those with regulated nervous systems have to practice and put effort into letting stress that arrives leave. So be patient and kind with yourself. 

Ok, so with that said…

1. GRADUAL EXPOSURE

Instead of jumping straight into deep breathing or meditation, which can be overwhelming for those with stressed out nervous systems, start small and slowly add on.  

I want you to think of when you tried a relaxation technique like meditation or a breathing exercise. How long did you expect to practice it for? 5 minutes? 10 minutes? That’s like throwing someone who can’t swim into a pool for the first time and telling them to swim 5 laps. 

Instead, start simple and start super small. like miniscule.  Set a timer for a small amount, maybe even just 10 seconds.

The goal is to Start Light, and Stay Consistent. 

The nervous system doesn’t trust relaxation yet. That’s okay. You don’t start bench pressing 200 pounds your first day at the gym—you start small.

Example:

Instead of jumping into a 30-minute body scan that makes you squirm and dissociate, try sitting for just 1 minute with your eyes closed, noticing one safe sensation—like the feeling of your feet against the floor. If even that’s too much, try it with your eyes open, with a soft gaze.

Or, if lying still in silence triggers racing thoughts, begin by listening to instrumental music with headphones on, while standing and swaying slightly—letting your body stay engaged while easing into stillness.

Consistency is more important than duration. You’re training your nervous system that relaxation doesn’t equal danger—it just needs to learn this in baby steps.

The goal is to get your nervous system used to frequent, small moments of calm. Over time, it will learn that when these moments of calm arrive, it’s ok and it’s safe. Over time , it will get easier and easier to sit with calm. 

2. Accepting the Discomfort

Not Every Practice Feels “Good”

Many people expect relaxation to feel instantly peaceful. But for someone with a dysregulated nervous system, stillness can bring tension, agitation, or panic. That doesn’t mean it’s not working—it means you’re meeting a long-held pattern.

Think of cold plunges and ice baths. I can guarantee you that every single person feels extreme discomfort when they get in. But if you’ve never done one before, it’s going to be way more shocking to you than to someone who has been building tolerance to them for years. Instead, you’d start small – maybe turning the shower to cold the last 10 seconds, then 20 seconds, then 30. 

Example:

Say you try a few deep breaths and feel your heart rate increase. Instead of labeling it as failure or stopping, name the experience:

“I’m noticing tightness in my chest. That’s okay. My body is learning something new.”

You don’t need to force yourself to relax—you just need to stay curious and present with what arises. Let discomfort be part of the learning curve.

Use a timer. Measure the time you make it to the first time. Then every day for the next week, aim for that same amount of time. And if you don’t make it to that time every day, that’s ok. Learning isn’t linear. AFter that week, maybe you add 10 seconds on. And keep going adding more time or more intensity – depending on the practice. 

If you do this consistently, the act of staying with the discomfort without fleeing builds tolerance over time.

3. Building Resilience

Stretching the Edge, Not Breaking It

This builds off the previous point of accepting discomfort. 

Think of resilience like mobility, strength or flexibility—you don’t get it overnight, and you don’t get it by forcing the stretch. You work to your edge—just enough challenge without snapping back.

Example:

If quiet breathing feels overwhelming, practice an active version first—like squeezing a stress ball while breathing or slowly walking while naming objects in the room aloud. These “in-between” tools bridge the gap between tension and stillness.

Then, slowly sandwich in a single stillness practice—still start and end with movement or shaking it out. This pendulation between activation and calm builds emotional elasticity.

Over time, your nervous system adapts. It learns that it can go into calm—and come back out—without shutting down.

Aim for a B+ here. You’re not expecting perfection, because you’re human. And treat yourself like you would your kid or a puppy- with kindness, patience, and grace. 

4. What’s Beneath the Resistance?

Discomfort is often a signal, not an enemy. If your body resists relaxing, there’s usually a good reason and that’s to protect you. THe thing about our nervous systems is that they aren’t time-bound. Meaning, it will respond to a real, present, current perceived threat in the same way as a memory or thought of a past one. 

And sometimes that resistance to relaxation is about control. If you grew up in a chaotic or unsafe environment, being alert kept you alive. Relaxation can feel like giving up control. That’s real. Explore it.

Journaling prompts like:

“What feels unsafe about stillness?”

“When do I feel the urge to fidget, distract, or brace?”

can help bring unconscious fear to the surface.

You can thank your nervous system for protecting you when you needed protection, but remind it that now, you’re safe. Everything is good. It doesn’t need to have this intense response to stillness. 

5. Practicing Acceptance & Mindfulness

Bring Gentle Awareness

When I say “mindfulness,” you might think I’m referring to long meditations. But you can practice mindfulness by simply noticing what’s happening right now, without judgment.

For example, what’s on your mind when you wash your hands? Grocery list? Studies? The endless chores? 

Try this short exercise:

While washing your hands next time, feel the water, the texture of the soap, the sound of the running faucet. Notice your breath, your posture, your expression. That’s mindfulness. It’s simple and the great thing is you can start with “easier” activities like hand washing.

You can do this while brushing your teeth, putting on lotion, or drinking tea. These tiny, safe rituals teach the body to pause and be present, without demanding full stillness or introspection.

Then try this during sitting still. Instead of going into your head and thinking, worrying, ruminating, notice how your body feels. How the air feels coming into your nose. How your toes feel against your socks or the floor. 

This works particularly well for those with high emotional reactivity—it’s mindfulness in motion, rather than in silence.

6. Seeking Professional Support

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

Sometimes, your system is so tightly wired that it’s hard to navigate relaxation or exposure work solo. That’s okay.

There are therapists trained in trauma or somatic practices—like Somatic Experiencing, DBT, or trauma-informed yoga—who can help co-regulate with you and titrate these experiences at a pace that feels right.

Even brief therapy-focused sessions to build emotional regulation skills (like in DBT’s distress tolerance modules) can give you tools to feel safer in your body again.

You’re not weak for needing support. You’re being smart by creating the conditions where healing becomes possible.

OK , let’s move on to the second strategy, that is my favorite and has been studied a lot for CAM. 

This is about finding small, manageable points of calm, joy, and appreciation throughout your day—instead of relying on an entire session of deep breathing or meditation. These small moments can be incredibly grounding and provide a gentle but effective way to reset your nervous system without overwhelming you.

Start by paying attention to small things that make you feel good—without needing to actively work at “relaxing.” 

Examples:

• Hold a warm cup of tea and appreciate how the warmth feels in your hands. 
• Feel the warmth of the sun on your face as you take a few moments outside. 
• Remark at how beautiful the clouds look as the sun rises and sets
• Be thankful for the sound of the water
• Appreciate the laugh of a loved one
• Really enjoy a bite of your favorite snack, taking in the taste, texture, and aroma. You can close your eyes and smell it first. Then put it in your mouth but don’t just swallow it right away. Take time to really enjoy the layers of taste, the texture. It might sound simple, but these moments of sensory engagement can be incredibly calming. 

Now, when you notice something, name it. Say it out loud or to yourself. Naming activates the prefrontal cortex, bringing the moment into conscious awareness—and that alone can help anchor the experience in the body.

Example:

You’re sipping tea and feel warmth in your hands. You could say (out loud or silently):

“This feels comforting.”

“I’m enjoying this warmth right now.”

“My shoulders just dropped a little—something about this moment feels safe.”

What I like most about this is it’s not a focus on relaxing, so it doesn’t overwhelm or make us feel like something is wrong with us if we don’t respond to calm in the expected way.  It’s simply allowing yourself to appreciate those small moments.

If you’re finding that it’s difficult coming up with things to appreciate – focus on your senses. 

For example, you can practice mindful listening—, listening to the sound of birds outside, the wind in the trees, or your favorite playlist. Pay attention to the details—the rhythm, the melody, or the textures of the sounds. This will bring you out of your mind and into the experience, creating a small space for calm amidst the chaos of your thoughts.

And if you’re someone who fears joy –  if you notice that whenever you notice and appreciate a good moment, it’s quickly followed by anxiety (e.g. “This won’t last”), don’t try to avoid that thought. Instead, add to it:

“This is good right now. And it’s okay if it changes later.”

That keeps you grounded in the present, without pushing the nervous system to make it permanent.

Healing doesn’t come from forcing it. It comes from gradually widening your window of tolerance, with practices that meet you where you are.

Remember, relaxation doesn’t have to feel forced. If traditional techniques aren’t working for you, that’s okay. There’s no one-size-fits-all approach to calming your nervous system. Everyone’s experience is unique, and it’s important to find what works best for you—at your own pace.

If you found this post helpful, don’t forget to share it with someone who might benefit from it.

Thanks for reading,

Arya

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